(LOS ANGELES) Brian Dangerfield, son and youngest child of comedian Rodney Dangerfield, has been refused enrolment at the prestigious and swanky Respectington Academy.
Declaring the child’s aptitude test results to be “lower than Rodney’s wife at a miners’ convention,” the notoriously exclusive school chose to award the final fall semester spot to the Elysse, daughter of Baron Hoitie of Toitie.
Dangerfield, who earned his fortune through a unique combination of middle-class self-deprecation, ugliness, and sweat, has decried the both the Academy’s decision and the admission process itself.
“I tell ya, place is crookeder than my chiropractor’s spine,” he exclaimed nervously at a sparsely attended press conference. “You know my chiropractor, Dr. Vinny Boom-Botz? They got palms greasier’n my wife’s ring finger, it’s so bad.”
The Academy, opened in 1883 in Snobbarino, Nevada, has long educated the children of the world’s most esteemed, regarded status-holders. A Respectington diploma, or even a single semester’s stay, is seen as an assurance of future adulation, admiration, and cache.
The school is no stranger to the Dangerfield clan. In 2006, Rodney publicly lamented the Academy’s similar treatment of his daughter Melissa, who was rejected on what the Academy claimed were grounds that she “oughta apply to Westminster, what a mug”.
For Rodney, this defeat is only the latest in a long string of attempts to earn a modicum of dignity and acceptance for himself and his family. “I tell ya, I get no respect – and my kids, they only get half-a-that.”
Appearing to grow tired and forlorn, Rodney dismissed the entire institution at the end of the press conference. “I tell ya, the whole place sucks. Only reason I sent Brian was ’cause maybe I’d buy it. I’m gonna go lie down.”
Despite his strong stand, his departure from the conference podium revealed a comical amount of sweat to have accumulated in his faded yellow polo shirt and tacky houndstooth trousers. One witness was heard to remark that Mr. Dangerfield was “sweating like his wife in confessional.”
Professor Earl Grey, dean of Respectington students, denied any unusual antagonism on the Academy’s part. “Mr. Dangerfield is one of thousands of disappointed parents this enrolment season. To accuse us of a personal bias against him is simply uncalled for. Almost as uncalled for, in fact, as his own sex chat line – terrible, I tell ya.”
Dangerfield’s friend Mr. Wang could not be reached for comment.