(Center City, Earth) A press release issued by the cabal of word leaders comprising the New World Order revealed today that, beginning with the third Friday of this month, every third Friday will be henceforth be commemorated as Hawaiian Shirt Day, or, Aloha! Day.
The announcement comes months after the United Nations, IMF, Elders of Zion, Freemasons and several worldwide ecclesiastical authorities consolidated their power as a means of putting an end to global power struggles and securing the future of the human race. While projects initiated by the world government (colloquially, “The Gov”) have thus far proven unanimously popular—from the worldwide installation of Esperanto academies, to the adoption of a single globalized credit system, to the appointment of a benevolent posthuman ruling caste—this announcement injects some degree of levity into an administration whose “strictly business” mandates have resulted in their appearing cold, inaccessible and ogreish in the eyes of some extreme uncooperatives.
“We have a sense of humour,” said a representative of the N.W.O.’s executive branch (also referred to in the press release as “X-Branch360”) whose name isn’t important, “And despite what some seditionists have been purporting, we’re really just a bunch of big, fat party guys. Which is not to suggest that any or all of us are men. Or that we’re necessarily obese. Nor is it to propose that we are now or have ever partied. Nor indeed that we exist.”
“It’s also part of an effort to put one of your human faces on this administration,” Herr Representative said before shape-shifting into a thousand bats and dispersing into the night sky. Reigstered citzens of Earth seem to agree with the Gov’s platform with regard to this obligatory tri-weekly casualwear regimen.
“See, it makes having a consolidated global authority more fun,” agreed Steve “The Pussy Inspector” Baker, a morning show DJ on New Bohemian Grove’s Z96, “Nothing says P-A-R-T-Y-because-I GOTTA like a loose-fitting piece of twill in the Polynesian style! Woah baby, just thinking of the wacky interplay of floral patterns gets this Pussy Inspector a-howlin’. Awoooooooooo! Now every third Friday, it’s going to be ‘Aloha, Friday, helloooooooooooooo weekend!’ TGIF! Ah-woooooooo!”
In response to the announcement, some lone-wolf radicals were quick to reject the enforcement of a compulsory “Lei Day” somehow in opposition to the effortless casualness of the garment itself. “It’s an affront to our sovereignty!” balked seditionist Alex Jones from somewhere on the lunatic fringe. “Not to mention an open declaration of war against any modicum of fashion sense remaining in this loony collectivist nightmare!”
In an effort to ease the transition, the public relations branch of the reigning crypto-political organization may or may not have arranged for the release of charity single, with funds being routed through unknown channels to a legitimate aid organization which cannot be named at this time. Called “Bogus Ordo Seclorum,” the iTunes-only release is a tongue-in-cheek parody of how World Hawaiian Shirt Fridays will invariably lift the spirits of global citizens rendered benumbed by the monotony of the workaday world order. A collaboration between recording artists Randy Newman, Jimmy Buffet, “Weird” Al Yankovic, Tobias Sammet and Jay-Z, “Bogus Ordo Seclorum” speaks to the Big G’s willingness to poke fun at their own unquestionable centralized authority.