To The Editors of The New Berliner

Gentlemen, the cartoon in question is, as its stands, ridiculous.

Dear Editors,

I am writing to you re: a recent editorial cartoon published in the Saturday evening edition of The New Berliner. On page 43 [dreiundveirzig], a cartoon attributed to staff illustrator Joe Himmel depicted our most esteemed ruler, emperor, and Deutscher Kaiser und König von Preußen, Prinz Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albrecht [hence, Wilhelm II or, Herr Kaiser] attempting to take a bite out of a globe resembling the Planet Earth as if it were a Cookie, Round Fruit, or Spherically-Shaped Piece of Chocolate. [I have attached a copy of scribble same with this letter.]

As a representative of Herr Kaiser’s completely legal government and long-standing legal consort of the House of Hohenzollern, I wish to take issue with this wildly editorialized effigy of our Glorious Leader and King of Prussia.

Gentlemen let me assure you that, contrary to Joe Himmel’s doodle, Herr Kaiser has never devoured a planet. Nor is he presently entertaining plans to devour this one. Like most Prussians, Wilhelm II enjoys a balanced diet of sourdough breads, wursts, assorted game meats, streusels, spätzles and schupfnudels. While these staples do indeed exist on the Planet Earth (many native to Bavaria and Black Forest region), Herr Kaiser procures them by traditional means, typically by dispatching a nimble Rhenish errand-boy, and not by consuming the planet whole.

Moreover, if Herr Kaiser were to eat an entire celestial body, he would likely prefer to cook it in a stew and enjoy it with a tall lager pilsner, and not merely chomp into the thing, unseasoned. If Herr Kaiser saw fit to enjoy a Cookie, Round Fruit, or Spherically-Shaped Piece of Chocolate, it is more likely that he would do just that, and not enjoy the planet as if it were one.

Let your forthcoming correction state that Herr Kaiser has in fact never confused Planet Earth for a Cookie, Round Fruit, or Spherically-Shaped Piece of Chocolate. Perhaps you have confused Herr Kaiser with Galactus, Ravager of Worlds and Possessor of the Power Cosmic. While both Wilhelm II and Herr Galactus share several mostly superficial physical similarities, and have cavorted together in the past, this is a common error which Herr Kaiser has sought to rectify in recent months.

There is also an issue of scale here, Gentlemen, which I would feel remiss in not addressing. Despite his impressively-broad shoulders and divine claim to the Chancellorship, Herr Kaiser is in fact a man of just above-average height. It is therefore unlikely that he would be large enough to crunch into into an entire planet, even one as small as Earth. If your publication seeks to pay fitting homage to Wilhelm II, you may consider honouring his already imposing proportions without exploding them to such mawkish degrees.

What I am most concerned about, Gentlemen, is that Herr Himmel’s sketch is intended as a satirical caricature of Wilhelm II’s megalomaniacal persona and state-mandated program of Ingeniously Contrived Chaos. If this is the case then your publication stands, as I’m sure you’re well aware, in direct contravention to previously-issued edicts w/r/t Spoofage, Lampoonery and Other Forms of Politicized Merry-Making. Should you intend to distribute future editions of The New Berliner, I implore you to issue a retraction forthwith.

In the future, if you wish to make substantive changes to Herr Kaiser’s decrees, might I suggest you try doing so via more established channels, such as proclaiming yourself Kaiser.

Formally,

Margrave Silly Von Seriousberg
Legal Consult of the House of Hohenzollern and Ward of This Glorious Prussian Empire

Dated: 31 July 1914

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