MOTHER’S DAY RECIPES: TENDER LOVING CREPES

From More Sensible Cuisine by Victoria Banksley, OBE

In keeping with the modern tradition of bestowing frivolous names upon themed recipes, my editors have encouraged me to imbue this crepe recipe with a motherly theme.  It can be sensibly enjoyed at any time of the year, by non-mothers and even non-females.  It is best enjoyed alongside the French-Kissed Vanilla Ice Cream (page 158), or possibly the Strawberry Confit (page 162).  As always, beware of the clown.

-½ cup whole milk

-1 large eggs

-1 tablespoon sugar

-1 teaspoon salt

-a scant 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter

-½ teaspoon vanilla extract

-1 cup flour, divided into ½ cup portions

-¼ cup brandy

Firstly, mix the milk and eggs in a blender at a high setting.  Once foamy, reduce the setting and add the sugar and salt to the mixture.  After another intense pulse, add the butter and vanilla extract, and process at low speed until the mixture is uniform.

At this point, the sound of the blender will have attracted the clown’s attention.  Prevent the clown from physically upsetting the blender, and keep the cover top on to prevent it from spraying seltzer into the mixture.  Do not laugh at the clown, as it will only encourage it further.

Once the clown’s initial enthusiasm has subsided, remove the cover top and add one portion of the flour to the mixture.  The clown, now turned away, will almost certainly swing its leg backwards and attempt to kick the flour from your hands, all over the kitchen.  Remain stoic, and do not laugh at its acting-out.  Wait for the honking of its horn to subside, then emotionlessly stir the reserve flour in to the mixture.

Place your crepe pan over medium heat and brush with butter.  When the butter begins to smoke, pour 1/3rd of a cup of batter onto the pan, tilting to evenly spread it around.  Do not allow the clown to distract you with juggling, as it will surely result in your crepes being lopsided and undercooked in parts.

Cook the crepe until the underside is nicely browned, then flip it over, re-greasing the pan as you do.  The clown should be allowed nowhere near the element or flame, as it will attempt to use the heat to scorch its buttocks for comedic effect.  Failing to prevent it from this action will result in it running around your cooking area haphazardly, disturbing and knocking over as many instruments as are at hand, and distracting you from further crepe cookery.

Continue until all the batter is used.  Should the clown release a swarm of bees into your kitchen, reduce the heat of the element and vacate until they have become less agitated.  Should the crepe you were cooking burn during your absence, scrape off the char carefully and re-grease it.

Place completed crepes on a tray in the oven, set to a low heat.  When you have completed cooking the crepes, remove the tray, place the crepes on a tray and begin transporting them to the table where your expectant mother waits.  The clown will knock them to the ground.  This cannot be avoided.  Wordlessly return to the kitchen and pour the brandy into a tumbler.  Consume quickly, without ice, then hurl the empty tumbler at the clown as it awaits your applause.  Glower.  The clown will depart, defeated and visibly forlorn.  You are now free to begin the recipe anew, free from its torment.  Serves 2 humans and no clowns.

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