COMEDY

May 12, 2009

A Heritage of Brutality Is Better Than No Heritage At All

Greetings, child.  It is I, your father.  Come, sit down, and read what I have to tell you.
Aware as I am of your recent dabblings in history, alternative history, alternativity and guilt, I have decided, child, to rationally and pre-emptively answer the questions you will undoubtedly have within a matter of weeks.  You may feel […]

May 11, 2009

Re: Volunteer Camp Retreat Itinerary

On June 13th, 10:43 am, Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Hello volunteers!
On behalf of all the staff at Skip Rope for Heart, I would like to express our sincerest gratitude for all of your help coordinating and participating in the events of the last few months. Your continued efforts have helped to make 2009 the most successful year […]

May 6, 2009

A Message on Behalf of John Davis Jefferson Moore, Your Class President

ATTN: All Students, Ms. Garcia-Thompson’s Second Grade Class, PS-1286
RE: Regime Change
Citizens,
Following the events of last week’s in-class presidential election, your new democratically elected leader, Mr. John Davis Jefferson (”DJ”) Moore, would like to take this chance to debrief you on exactly how he plans to improve your public school experience.  First off, regarding his campaign, […]

May 5, 2009

Kids, Sit Down

Kids, sit down.  Okay, we’re all here?  Gary?  Lindsay?  Gary?  Sorry again about the name, second Gary – totally slipped my mind.  Well, you keep saving up that allowance, and you can make it whatever you want!  Yup!  …no, not Pikachu.  They don’t let you name yourself Pikachu.  That’s just a rule, I don’t know.
Anyways, […]

May 1, 2009

Ask Heath About Health!

Heath,
I drink Gatorade so much that I have begun sweating out flourescent yellow. This confuses me because I only drink orange Gatorade. Should I switch to Encino brand energy sport drink instead? I have heard through the grape vine and from many popular athletes that this drink is far superior to the Gatorade products and […]

009

Understanding Tarot Cards

Tarot is an ancient, mysterious art from the far Near East that uses a simple deck of cards to predict your future! Long favoured by gypsies and chain-smoking ladies who live in apartments above convenience stores, tarot is now becoming a very popular among impressionable teens, bored housewives and people giving unscripted testimonials on late […]

April 28, 2009

THIS WHOLE TOWN STINKS

Something ain’t right in this town. Place even smells funny.
It was about six months ago that I blew into the Windy City. I had just escaped the draft up from Butt, Montana. But made a foul and had to spend some time in the can. Hadn’t been in the place long before I caught wind […]

April 24, 2009

New Terminator Film “Made Itself”: McG

By: John Semley, Accredited Graduate of Hollywood Insider Correspondence Equivalence Programme

HOLLYWOOD, PA-Exciting news from Tinsel Town, insiders! In an exclusive on-chesterfield interview with your humble cub reporter, certified Hollywood superstar director/producer McG, who sources indicate is actually named Joseph McGinty Nichol, claimed that his latest film, Terminator Salvation, offered no particular challenges for the exceptionally […]

April 23, 2009

How to be a Chatbug®: General Advice for Dating Online

To Blinky,
I recently met a young lady at a party and we really hit it off. We talked for nearly two hours about a variety of subjects—- our favourite tv shows, the last baseball season, and we really bonded over the way that certain smells can remind you of a certain memory (tapioca always reminds […]

April 22, 2009

Make Millions Sitting On Your Ass, Alone

by Anybody McYou, SoloJobs.tk employee

I used to be a successful real estate agent, but now I get rich from the comfort of my living room using the internet. How’d I do it? Read on.
I thought I had it all. I went to college, got a great job, had a fast car, a big house, […]

April 21, 2009

Excerpt from Bloody Skullcap, Broken Dreams: My Dizzying Journey to the Frontiers of Taste, by veteran toilet rocker D.P. Briggs.

Where perhaps better known shock rockers are content to indulge their more excessive impulses, Manhattanite Demon Pope (D.P.) Briggs had always remained tasteful enough to delight as well as inspire. More Arthur Brown than Alice Cooper, Briggs challenged the dominant social paradigms of his time—the early 1970s—without aiming to offend. While he the swath of […]

April 21, 2009

SinglesNet Personal Ad #453678

-Matt and Lee

April 15, 2009

Ask the Internet!

Dear Matt,
I‘ve been lead to understand that you are sort of a “go-to guy” for technical problems and matters related to computers and the internet. I have a slight internet-related problem that I would like some assistance in solving.

Recently, I have received a number of e-mails from someone who claims to be myself, ten years […]

April 13, 2009

Me So Solly

by Big Chief Dances-With-Punchline, standup comedian
.

To the Patrons of the Greater Poconos Resort’s Ha-Ha Lodge:

Me so solly.

Serious – me, Big Chief, heap big solly.

Many moons ago, great pow-wow held in Ha-Ha Lodge. Promotions range far and wide, from Rochester to Amityville. Bargain like this pow-wow rare as white buffalo – tourists save-um wampum like beaver […]

April 11, 2009

You monsters over at Yum! Brands Inc. are playing God

By: Dr. Dale Wiesenfield, Theoretical Physicist
Fools! What new streak of thoughtless mongrelism is this, Yum! Brands Inc.? In your increasingly indelicate quest to render food faster, crunchier, and by all informed accounts more delicious, you have exceeded the boundaries of constancy erected by nature Herself. This newest luncheon novelty of yours, this so-named Wrapstar, stands in direct […]

April 8, 2009

Excerpts from “THE INSIDE SCOOP”, a quarterly magazine of semi-professional ice cream reviews

Haagen Dazs Vanilla Bean –
Can’t go wrong with Haagen Dazs, it’s the classic elite ice cream that never gets old. A little expensive, so you probably won’t be eating it every day (unless you are rich) but its a real treat when you do get a chance. My parents told me that when I was […]

April 5, 2009

Will You Marry Me, Unsubstantiated Mental Construct of an 18th-Century Asian Woman?

I, Todd Farley, am what you might call a romantic.  I know that you don’t yet exist outside of a merger of images I’ve experienced through the elegiac nuance of earlier Ang Lee and an ever-widening niche of erotic dramas, but I also know how real my love is. (Real.)  I don’t know if you’re […]

April 3, 2009

Whole History of Quebec Nationalism an Elaborate On-Camera Prank: Charest

(Ottawa, ON) In a meeting with Quebec Premier Jean Charest earlier today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper gradually came to realize that the hundreds-year history of Quebecois nationalism was part of a meticulously-orchestrated hoax. The practical joke, which included conspirators dating as far back as New France founder Samuel de Champlaign, constitutes one of the […]

April 1, 2009

Classroom Code of Conduct

By Helen McCormick
space
In addition to the Thorndale Middle School Student Code of Conduct, I, the undersigned student in Miss McCormick’s Grade 7 English class, avow (on penalty of detention, suspension or expulsion) that:
space
1 I will always have completed the appropriate reading for a lecture.
1.1 If I have not completed the assigned reading, I will not […]

April 1, 2009

The Day I Was Taught About Coitus

By Jasper Wren
I remember it clearly. After a timid knock on the French door of my father’s study, he lets me in. I promptly hop onto his knee for our evening discussion. This day, however, I have more on my mind than simple colonial economic policy, or Boswell’s Life of Johnson—two of our frequent subjects. […]

March 29, 2009

Matt, Souper has invited you to open a Freemail mail account

On Wed, Mar 25, 2009 at 10:16 AM, souperman_5_1_35_ab1756@freemail.com wrote:
I’ve been using Freemail and thought you might like to try it out. Here’s […]

February 8, 2009

Quirky Fourth Grader Writes Confessional First Novel

“I’m a total dork,” Christian Glazner overeagerly blurts out as we sit down for roast chicken red pepper sandwiches and chocolate milk in the school cafetorium. That much was apparent. With his purple vintage Mario T, mom-meets-dad style fop top, and tie-my-shoe era Chuck Taylors, Glazner is not the type to be picked first in […]

January 27, 2009

Monumentally succesful Canadian filmmaker still sitting at kids’ table during Holiday meals

(TORONTO, ON) Though his two-plus decades in filmmaking and dozen feature films have garnered critical acclaim, awards at the illustrious Cannes and Toronto Film Festivals, something called a Dan David Prize for “Creative Rendering of the Past” and brought him one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon (giving him a Bacon Factor of 1), Canadian-Armenian […]

January 14, 2009

SMUTBUCKET DISCOGRAPHY

Compiled by Edward Petrenko
[*] – Insulting
[**] – Poor
[***] – Mediocre/Trying Too Hard
[****] – Good
[*****] – Legendary

SMUTBUCKET EP [1982] [****]
Smutbucket

1 – Mirror to Society [2:11]
2 – Cold War, Hot Shit [2:39]
3 – Red, White & Plutocracy [1:55]
4 – Drop the Bomb, Lebanon [2:17]
5 – Here We Go Reagan [2:24]
6 – Power Lunch – […]

December 27, 2008

Newlywed Noise Artist Betrays Expectations of Audience, Wife

by Dude Witherspoon. Originally published in Pshaw! Magazine

Stefan Grove, known as “Grunk” to his fans, was never one for routine. The lead vocalist and cash register player in the Montreal-based neu-noise ensemble FUCKFUCKFUCK has veered through a byzantine myriad of aesthetic and life choices – from burning his community college diploma, to eating […]

December 27, 2008

Canadian Ambassador to Homorocco Dismissed for Inappropriate Slur

Scandal erupted at a conference on global trade last week when the Canadian envoy verbally assaulted the economic minister of Homorocco. Amid a heated exchange on offshore fishing rights, the Canadian representative – himself the ambassador to the tiny, clean nation of Homorocco – referred to his host with an off-colour epithet.
Publishing […]

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